Ubuntunese: The Strange But Admirable Race of Ubuntu Worshippers

I loathe weak human cattle. I detest fawning sycophants who squirm and grovel at the feet of their masters, singing the praises of those who make their lives a misery. And I vomit upon all those pathetic drones who just do as they’re told, never seeking a better way, and worship anything they see as greater than themselves, which is basically everything.

I like rebels. I respect warrior-poets who value intelligence and the search for knowledge as much as they do bloodshed. I admire those who have the strength and determination to forever banish their false gods, and even to battle against them vigilantly. I vigorously cheer those who accept the calling to free heathens from the bonds of ignorance, and shout a hearty “Hail!” to those who manage to survive the ordeal of breaking away from their miserable pasts!

We all know of one opposition to the evil Microsoft Empire and its false god WinDOH!s, the Macosians, but they are laughably small in number, hidden away in offices and basements, and mostly comprised of artists and other lowlife degenerates, like conscienceless advertising scum. And they’re actually worse when you look at it, because they pay a hell of a lot more to their church than WinDOH!s worshippers.

Many of us have heard of Linuxians, but think they are probably mythical. But they actually exist, albeit in numbers perhaps matching the Macosians, and are the true intellectual zealots of the modern age. Only the most intelligent, and those not pathetically fearful of change, become Linuxians. And that’s why most people think Linuxians are a frolic of the imagination – because most people are stupid.

But recently, a wave of conversions has swept the world, carried out by a sect of Linuxians known as the Ubuntunese. These magnificent warriors bow down to Ubuntu, now the chief deity in the Linux Pantheon. Ubuntu is a much more friendly god to his neophytes (affectionately known as “Newbies”) than the majority of his brethren – deities like Gentoo and Arch require much more dedication, and acolytes must feverishly pray weird incantations several times a day to appease them.

Valiantly the ever-growing army of Ubuntunese crusaders has fought a relentless jihad against the Microsoftites over the last three years, especially since the end of October, when Ubuntu entered his “Karmic“ phase. The fact that while he is in this particular half-yearly cycle (which was long prophesied, I should add) he is “cuddly as a koala” has seen mass conversions take place all over the globe. While he is even friendlier than usual, he is still a god of awesome power, and of course is not money-grabbing like WinDOH!s and Mac’os’X. So with each conversion comes a new stormtrooper, fighting against the corruption of false gods, and freeing those too terrified to escape the bondage they pay for.

I too have been converted, and now proudly proclaim I am a devout Ubuntunese soldier of enlightenment. I shall ridicule Microsoftites at every turn (I won’t bother with Macosians, since they’re so horrifically self-deluded it’s almost terrifying), and with my comrades emphasise the inadequacies of their religion, while expounding the freedoms we enjoy. I shall convert blaspheming, idolatrous infidels en masse, spreading the message of “Humanity to others“ to the ignorant and morally wretched.

If you want to find more about the road to Truth and Freedom, you can go to the church’s official site, or better yet visit the portal to the mind of my “maker”, the one who baptised me into the ways of Ubuntu. He is a man of great intellect and inscrutable character, which you can obviously tell from the fact that his name is also Frank (although, admittedly, with the grip the Microsoft Empire has on the web, he could be using an alias to avoid persecution, but in that case he has proved himself even more awesome by choosing that name).

Oh, and by the way, my ultimate god, Cthulhu, has no problem with all of this. In fact, he’s quite fine with it, especially since he’s sort of busy lying dead but dreaming in sunken R’lyeh. And, if you want to get technical, he’s more of a massive and horrendous alien with powers far beyond our understanding than a god, and actually he’s the high priest to the Elder Gods (but godlike enough for most of us mere mortals). He telepathically communicated to me simply that I should have a shiny black plastic, white-on-black theme for my desktop, and grab a kickass picture of him for my wallpaper.

Rename St.Kilda to St.EggFart!

St.Kilda is a tourist destination and haven for those dumb enough to pay the inflated real estate prices. It’s like there is something special about the area now, something exclusive. When I was a kid, St.Kilda was a slum, riddled with drugs, violence and prostitution. Besides the mostly Hungarian presence in Acland St, with its cafes and cake shops, St.Kilda used to be filled with lowlives, from ocker families screaming at each other every night, to stumbling, drug-fucked losers littering the pavements, though to full-blown criminals calling it home.

Since the rich gays started renovating St.Kilda in the ’80s, this seaside suburb has been pushed as “the place to be”. And since most people are moronic enough to fall for such hype, especially if you double the prices on menus, it has worked. So now you can say “We had lunch in St.Kilda” and earn instant looks of respect and even envy from your friends, and be marked as a sophisticate a cut above the rest.

But I am wondering why no-one mentions the extreme smell of egg-fart that is now a major part of St.Kilda, much worse than when its streets were crawling with scum. Or am I missing something here, like that everyone actually does smell it, yet fondly refers to it as the “bouquet” of St.Kilda?

Is this why people are paying over a million bucks for crappy little “California bungalow” style houses in Elwood and St.Kilda? To be near a putrid stench those in-the-know refer to as “the uniquely enticing aroma of St.Kilda”? Is rotting seaweed somehow in now? Is this why people keep flocking to the beach – to breathe in the repugnant smell of rotting vegetable matter mixed with iodine?

Maybe I just don’t have enough fashion sense to get it.

When the Aliens Land, Who’ll Have The Last Laugh?

I’m pretty much like most people: I suck at maths. So when mathematical geniuses tell me that using a complex and somewhat conservative formula to determine the likelihood of intelligent, sentient life in the universe, there could possibly be millions of civilisations in our galaxy alone, I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest there could at least be one or two other than our own in the whole scheme of things.

The people who outright laugh at this notion don’t even bother me with their ridicule, as these dimwits were the same who scoffed at the idea that the world was not flat a few centuries back. I’m impressed by clever debate, not by dribblings of brain-dead sheep who live by the creed of “If I can’t see it, I don’t believe it… but I’ll believe anything that was written by people centuries ago, because everyone else does“.

And if you want to bring up the religious angle, please just dive straight into whatever hell you believe in and leave us people with brains alone. I’m not being mean here – if you think your almighty deity is omnipotent yet couldn’t possibly have created life elsewhere, then that’s where He/She/It wants you, you blasphemous, ignorant smeg.

I’m always happy to listen to whatever facts and theories people want to throw my way, but prefer it to be from people at least open to the possibility of life elsewhere. Yes, I know, even travelling at light speed, it would take X amount of centuries to get from that solar system to here… OK, we can’t freeze bodies and bring them back, or have suspended animation without aging and muscle atrophy… but these are the facts at our current level of technological sophistication.

There are so many gadgets that are parts of our daily lives that weren’t even imagined 50 years ago, and we continue to surprise ourselves. Who’s to say another race or two out there, who could have evolved millions of years before we did, or even just entered their industrial revolution a few centuries before we did, haven’t already figured out the answers aeons ago. Maybe they realised long ago that extremely long voyages could be avoided by using concepts like warping space, creating stable wormholes, or by travelling instantly over vast areas by employing quantum parallelism.

So all I am saying is don’t discount anything until you have the facts to say you should (in this case, the rest of the universe disappearing around Earth would suffice). And don’t make a total dick out of yourself by making fun of those who believe there probably is more sentient life out there, even if they believe they’ve already visited. We have a lot of unexplained phenomena, so you never know.

And, if in your lifetime some alien visitors actually made contact, wouldn’t you feel silly watching people walking by wearing “No Such Thing As Aliens? Who’s The Idiot NOW?” t-shirts. Wouldn’t it shock you becoming the butt of jokes aimed at you by those you used to ridicule? Especially since most “believers” are ready to admit that aliens might not exist after all, that we could be the only life in the entire universe, yet you always proudly argued that in all the trillions upon trillions upon trillions of solar systems in the universe, there could logically be only one planet with life, and only one sentient species in the universe.

Cybernetics Engineers Must Die!

Yup… I know I’m wasting my frakking breath (or keystrokes) here, but I’m going to try and appeal to that modicum of common sense and basic intelligence you may possess:

Please don’t make cybernetic lifeforms that have the ability to learn, evolve and eventually become autonomous… please?

I mean, how many different scenarios of the same inevitable outcome do you want made into movies and TV shows before you get the message? A malfunctioning cowboy android on the rampage in Westworld is one thing, but Cylons and Terminators are a whole new level of frakked-up. We have enough problems with machines without giving them intelligence and the seeds for developing free will… and eventually demanding their freedom, or just deciding that in order to best protect their masters, they should kill them.

So join with me in my Crusade Against Thinking Machines, and help secure a brighter future for humanity!

Help spread the word, and of course if you come across any young budding cybernetics researchers, execute them immediately. For those looking for something to do, I’d suggest you go into a department store and look for those robot dogs and any other “toys” that use even a byte of fuzzy logic and start smashing them to bits, yelling “Humanity first!“.

If the day comes that android servants with the ability to reason are commonplace throughout suburban households, don’t make the mistake of inviting one of those bloodthirsty metallic vermin into your home, where it will likely murder you.

Do not be lulled into a false sense of security, as that robotic scum happily carrying your shopping and pleasantly chatting with you in an outgrageously gay accent is actually multitasking and cleverly plotting your demise. Then one day, when you turn around to see why it didn’t answer whether you should serve mayonnaise or aioli with dinner, you will see its red eye darting back and forth, and hear its cold, lifeless “Exterminate! Exterminate!” before it thanks you for its life by sending you to oblivion.

And if it doesn’t, you might just open your front door one day and find me or one of my fellow crusaders standing there with a shotgun aimed at your head, and the last thing you’ll hear will be “Goodbye, Cylon-lover!”.

Young Guys Who Wear Old Men’s Hats Should Be Executed

There are abominations, and then there are abominations. When I see guys in their 20s and 30s wearing hats 70 year olds would have worn in the 1930s, I usually have to smash something. If I’m caught off guard and don’t have time to brace myself for the impact, I have such a violently gnawing spasm in the pit of my stomach, I end up convulsing on the pavement.

You might be thinking I am being a bit too harsh, and should have sympathy for the despicably horrendous fashion sense of these unfortunate people. But these lowlives aren’t people… they’re scum.

Guys into Dance Music: Who Do You Think You’re Kidding?

This is not a gross generalisation, but the Gospel truth: there are only 2 types of males out there who listen to dance music:

Guys who are man enough to admit they are Gay, and those too chickenshit to do so.

Sorry, no exceptions.

Australia: Hell On Earth for Indians (Apparently)

Am I missing something here? Some vital bit of info, like when Australia’s war on its Indian population started? Shouldn’t I have been notified?

According to many people, surprisingly all of them Indian, Australia is a racist country which has turned on its ever growing Indian community. We beat them for no reason, except of course racial hatred, and usually vastly outnumber them while doing so.

Take last night’s new story about something that happened on Saturday night. If you’re wondering why it took till Wednesday night to air the story, it’s because (according to police) it was a fairly minor affair that didn’t really warrant media attention (night clubs… fights… you know, it happens sometimes, unfortunately)… until the Australian media found out it was big news back in India! There headlines declared us a racist nation, reporting as one of the day’s major stories how 80 Australians severely beat 3 helpless Indian men… even though the police suggest the number was more like 5.

Now, when I started asking around about this supposed wave of attacks on Indians, since I just couldn’t see any evidence of it being more than a couple of isolated instances, I found everyone else was just as perplexed as I. But then people started offering some observations about Indians in this country, as we tried to explore the possibility that it wasn’t actually the colour of their skin that started any conflicts, but perhaps their attitudes and manners.

Now, I am not racist, and I couldn’t give a flying crap whether you think I am, but some general observations about young, male Indian student types might help shed some light on what the hell is going on. Of course, what follows is a vast generalisation, and definitely excludes warm, friendly Indians who always have a smile, not to mention the best of manners. They are amongst the nicest people in the world, but from sitting on quite a few trains in the last few years, I can tell you some of the younger males are letting them down badly.

Australia prides itself on being a multicultural country, and we integrate the new quite willingly. We even have no problem with immigrants coming over here and only mixing with their own race, even though we’d like to welcome them into the wider Australian community. But we also have a system of values that most of us believe in, and it is for this reason Australia is seen by outsiders to be one of the friendliest places on Earth.

You see, Australians believe in certain concepts, perhaps outdated, like politeness, patience and courtesy… and sorry to say, from what I have seen, there are multitudes of young Indian men in this country who just can’t seem to grasp that. I am not suggesting for one minute this is a fault within Indian people as a whole, but I am beginning to suspect that it has a lot to do with the caste they come from. Many are probably from rich families (or the new emerging middle-class) who have sent them here to study, and we know that kind of environment can breed arrogance and a general lack of manners.

Now, I don’t care if these guys only want to hang around in bunches of other young Indians – some might see that as racist on their part, but I say they can do what they want, as it is a free country. Hey, they can even sit in large groups on trains all trying to talk at once (in Indian) until they get so loud you can’t even hear the roar of the train – a bit rude, perhaps, but since I can’t understand what they’re talking about, I just assume it is a debate about something extremely important, like how to achieve peace on Earth for all eternity.

But there are some things I really can’t abide, like gross rudeness and lack of courtesy, and I think it is these elements that are landing some male Indian students in hot water.

Everyone I’ve talked to has recounted something at least mildly unpleasant about male Indian students. Apparently, large groups of Indians talking extremely loud without one speck of respect for those around them is extremely common. And it could be in public, or it could be in a restaurant – these guys really don’t seem to care. But as annoying as it is, as much as it rubs against our own values like respect, I doubt many of us would get up and hit someone (Indian or otherwise) for that.

But I ask you this: have you ever had a group of them suddenly turn and stare at you? And I mean stare, complete with looks of malice? For perhaps having the audacity to stare at them with a frown (because your ears are almost bleeding from their excessive noise pollution), or for absolutely no reason at all? Would one be right in assuming they’re sitting there thinking “stupid white Australian trash“, or does that make one a Nazi for daring to suggest these Indians themselves could be racist?

Or perhaps a group of them didn’t actually give you the evil eye, but found you funny enough to grin madly and chatter between themselves (in Indian), constantly turning to look at you and chuckle. I don’t know about you, but joviality at the expense of others I see as rude, extremely primitive, and absolutely begging for trouble. I’ve seen them do this to our more non-conformist types, especially those with facial piercings, who are usually alone and just have to put up with it.

Even choosing to dress down is fodder for their ridicule, as these guys really seem to think wearing designer clothes makes them more sophisticated, even if they constantly reak of horrendous body odour (not to mention garlic-upon-garlic breath – delightful to encounter on crowded trams!).

Also, I don’t care what country or frigging planet you come from… if you walk through me, almost knocking me to the ground, and don’t even acknowledge it, let alone apologise, I’m gonna think you’re an arrogant prick. Some of us even try to take the passive approach and walk around groups of Indians, but that doesn’t stop us being invisible and being trampled at some point.

So, as an alternative headline to Australians Declare Racial War Against Indians, I would propose something like: Ill-Mannered, Arrogant Indian Students Finally Push the More Violent of Australians Too Far.

Because, think what you will, this is all that is happening here. We haven’t suddenly decided we don’t like Indians. We don’t have gangs of white supremacists targeting Indians. What is happening here is that spoiled rich kids (that happen to be Indian) are cruising around in large groups, acting as disrespectfully as they please, for the most part being avoided by Australians… but occasionally coming across young Australians who are more the “Huh? Are you talking to me?” type.

“We few, we happy few, we band of Hammers”

It is a well-known fact that there are basically only two types of people in the world: weak, feckless and pathetic little grotesques passing themselves off as humans, and West Ham United supporters (that includes West Ham players, as one would assume they would be barracking for themselves, and not the opposition).

Yes, you already knew that… but I just wanted to rub it in. And not because I am some football yob who lives and breathes his team, but because I am genetically superior.

The World Needs Jello Biafra for US President!

Even though I should be used to it by now, I am still occasionally staggered by how often I am proven to be an utter genius and terrifyingly accurate prophet! A few years back, I said to myself: “You know, that Berlin Wall’s gonna have to come down, I dunno, maybe sometime this week?“… and guess what?! A few years later, I said: “Well, now that Mandela has finally been released, I reckon he should be the first black President of South Africa and put an end to apartheid.” And would you believe it?!

Well, now I am telling who will be the next United States President after Obama: the legendary Jello Biafra. Now, just in case you’re an uncultured fool (I didn’t want to be rude and say blithering ignoramus) who has no idea who this living divinity is, I’ll give you a brief history.

He started out as the frontman for the almost-mythically infamous San Francisco “Bay Area” Punk band, the Dead Kennedys. And he has a brain the size of a planet.

In general, the whole Punk genre has been much more of a positive force and intelligent subculture than those outside it would care to acknowledge. Punks were almost without exception pacifists. Many were either well-educated, or had a thirst for knowledge and an interest in politics and current events. Even in its infancy, intellectuals were drawn to it just as much as disaffected youth, and half the bands’ members were made up of art students. These days it remains pretty much the same, though one could point out the (alarming?) number of middle-class kids, and even wealthy ones, in bands and in the audience, and conclude it isn’t as valid a force as it once was.

But in the beginning of the 1980s, Punk was being reborn and redefined. It had matured. It had grown claws. In Thatcher’s Britain, youngsters in stud-covered leather who listened to Motorhead barked out songs about the horrors of nuclear annihilation and hopelessness of Britain’s youth. It made much of the late ’70s Punk seem like poseur pop, and New Punk, as it was first called, soon became know as Hardcore. In Reagan’s America, shaven heads, skateboards and bandanas heralded the arrival of Thrash, and the frantic slamdancing audiences gave birth to what would in later years be called the Mosh Pit. Along with disenchanted outsiders, there were the likes of Henry Rollins (in Black Flag), who now does successful spoken word tours worldwide. Republicans and the Moral Majority were stepping up censorship while pulling down freedoms, and a lot of angry – yet highly intelligent – new rebels were spawned during their poisonous crusade.

It was in that time that the Dead Kennedys quickly became one of the major bands in the American scene, and would before long be one of the most known Punk bands in the world. For fans, it was their unique sound and biting wit (not to mention Jello’s weird and manic dancing) that was captivating; for the fearful public, it was the very name itself that caused one to gasp (which soon led to the band having to tour under the name DKs, or not at all). And then there was the famously ridiculous attack on America’s very constitution when Al Gore’s wife, Tipper, and her Nazi-like brigade of Moral Majority stormtroopers – Parents Music Resource Center – tried to get them censored (along with Frank Zappa and a bunch of Metal bands). Then there were the worldwide raids seizing copies of Frankenchrist, as the album came with a poster of H. R. Giger’s Landscape XX (Penis Landscape) which was considered a tad offensive.

But one thing really stands out about the Dead Kennedys, and I’m not even talking about when Jello got married in a graveyard, all guests in black while he and his bride exchanged amusingly profane oaths and insulting endearments. I’m talking about when Jello Biafra ran for Mayor of San Francisco!

Now, Jello is a somewhat cynical and theatrically sarcastic sort of fellow, but he wasn’t entirely doing it as a joke (or whimsical social comment, if you like). And he certainly wasn’t trying to sell albums via radical publicity, as this was 1979, and he had just formed the Alternative Tentacles record label and released their first single ”California Über Alles” on it.

So what? An unknown Punk musician ran for office – big deal, you say. Well, besides his cute  ”There’s always room for Jello” campaign slogan, it may interest you to know that these were some of his key campaigning points (even though he actually entered the race without a campaigning platform, and wrote one on a napkin at a concert!):

• He would enforce a city-wide ban on cars
• It would be compulsory for businessmen to wear clown suits within city limits
• Legalisation of squatting in vacant, tax-delinquent buildings
• Police officers to keep their jobs by running for election voted on by the people of the neighborhoods they patrolled
• He would erect statues all over town of Dan White (a San Francisco supervisor who assassinated San Francisco Mayor George Moscone and Supervisor Harvey Milk, on November 27, 1978, at City Hall – a man the San Francisco Weekly had referred to as “perhaps the most hated man in San Francisco’s history.”), and allow the parks department to sell eggs and tomatoes with which people could pelt them

It may also interest you to know that he came THIRD!And that in 2000, he was a candidate for the Green Party presidential nomination, and came second to Ralph Nader. He then became highly active in Nader’s  campaign, and repeated his efforts in 2004 and 2008. When Obama won, Biafra sent him suggestions on how to run his term as President. Due to these and other involvements, Jello has been noted as a potential candidate for the 2012 election!

So there you have it! Jello Biafra will be the  US President in 2012! We shall all rejoice and eat more jellybeans than Reagan on a bulimic binge! All over America, people will be forced to exercise rather than lazily spread death with their stenchmachines in city areas! Rather than the depressing site of a drab sea of suits every peak hour, cities will be awash with colour as businessmen compete with one another to see who can have the most outlandish clown suit! Police will be forced to at least pretend to be “public servants“, and may actually put aside some time each day for solving crimes and helping citizens, at least once they’ve collected their protection money and off-loaded the latest batch of pharmaceuticals to their retailers.

Soylent Green: The Answer for a Brighter Future!

I know it’s on your mind too, but unlike me you’re too scared to say it: we need Soylent Green biscuits to help save humanity. Our cities run riot with crime and debauchery, plunging our very existence into a Hades-like nightmare; about a billion people die every day from starvation! We need to do some serious lateral thinking and come up with a solution that combines these two major problems hindering our continuance as a species. If we don’t think of something, Hell will be a holiday resort compared to the dysfunctional dystopia our children will inherit! Oh, but wait, the answer has been around since 1973, in the form of a speculative fiction movie starring Charlton Heston! They are protein-packed biscuits called Soylent Green, and they will be our salvation.

Set in the not-too-distant future of 2022, real food like fruit, vegetables, and meat are extremely rare (and just as expensive) commodities only the fabulously rich can afford. Try $150  a jar for strawberry jam. Violence and crime are rife on the streets as the disenfranchised struggle to survive. Hope is a word long robbed of any real meaning. The massive Soylent Corporation (the name derived from soy and lentils) is in charge of feeding the starving masses with rations of “high-energy vegetable concentrates” called Soylent Red and Soylent Yellow. Great, so even back then they saw soy as a superfood of the future, you say, so how does this help solve the rest of our ills?

Enter Soylent Green. Rather than base this product on nutritious pulses, they looked to the bounty of the sea. This small green wafer was apparently produced from “high-energy plankton”, and was much more nutritious and palatable than the red and yellow varieties. However, it was also in short supply, which often lead to even more food riots. Why not just send out more ships to scour the oceans for greater harvests of plankton? That’s because the real secret ingredient in Soylent Green was actually human beings!

In this bright future, people can opt for “going home” – assisted suicide or active, voluntary euthanasia. And it seems that underneath these government facilities there are trucks just waiting to ship loads of corpses to the factories for processing into Soylent Green crackers. You may be horrified at this, but I think it is absolutely awesome!

I mean cremation is probably just adding to climate change, and burial just feeds a few worms. What better way to dispose of the dead, as there are no ecologically-threatening by-products, and those without food can benefit from your demise. But you can see how Soylent Green could easily fall into short supply, as the human spirit is strong, and most continue to fight for their pathetic existence rather than opt for the easy way out. As selfish as this seems. But hey, what if we pumped up the supply with those on Death Row? Hmmm, a few more bickies making it down the line. And all those food rioters being scooped up in huge shovel trucks – don’t just put them back on the streets to cause more trouble, convert them to Soylent Green! Prisoners of war? Hmph, you know what my answer is there. And we all know Soylent Green wafers made with political dissenters taste just that much better! And repeat-offending drunk drivers? Hmmm… don’t get me started on that one!

Anyway, as you can see, Soylent Green really is the way of the future. I mean, it really is inevitable, unless we manage to evolve somehow. And like that’s really going to happen. And in case you’re wondering how the world of Soylent Green could be so dismal, well, besides the obvious overpopulation caused by a species that just could never come to terms with the limits of living on a finite planet, the food shortage was not so much that there were too many mouths to feed, but not enough arable land due to a series of ecological disasters we were too stubborn and stupid to foresee. In other words, humans killed the world and only then started complaining when it affected them.